Brynn's Miracles

We are still in lockdown, though the threat level has been lowered to Yellow. This means that the threat level is low. The kids have been able to go out with a friend or two here and there, and stores and restaurants are opening back up. Troy is still working from home, school is still from home, and church is still from home. As we had our home church services, I felt very strongly that I needed to record some of the miracles that surrounded Brynn joining our family. I was always so good to record the things that brought Anson to us, but haven't been so good about Brynn's story, though some amazing miracles have happened.

Okay, so I have always known about Anson. We have established that repeatedly. I am still in awe that the Lord showed him to me when I was a teenager, and now he is actually here in the flesh. That really happened. And I have told the story where while we were in the process of trying to find Anson, I had the experience where my mind opened up and I was shown two children: a son who was black, and a daughter who "looked more like my biological kids." I never saw faces. I only saw these two children standing together in a field. The boy was clearly dark skinned, and the only distinct thing I remember about the little girl was that she had dark, curly hair. At that time I knew that there were two children waiting to join us.

A little while later Anson came. It was miraculous- literally. Heavenly Father was so involved and his hand was evident in the entire process. I was exhausted in all ways- physically, spiritually, and financially and tried really hard to ignore the feeling that there was still a little girl waiting in the wings. When the feelings began to intensify, I literally said, "No," over and over again until finally I couldn't ignore them any more. I finally told God, "Fine! I'll find her! But she better fall into our laps, and it better be FREE!" I knew that both of those requests were basically impossible in the adoption process. It's NEVER easy, and NEVER free.

Fast forward during all the years where situations came and went. Some were fleeting, and some were more involved. Some were devastating and tried my faith to degrees that I never expected. We lost money and I wanted to quit on a regular basis. But every time I tried, something happened that wouldn't let me do it. It was such a frustrating thing. I prayed and cried out to the Lord asking, "WHY? Is this REALLY something I'm supposed to do?" and I was continually prodded forward. One day while I was praying, I had a picture appear in my mind of an olive-skinned woman with long, dark hair. It was impressed upon me that this woman was our daughter's grandmother, and that she would bring us our daughter. I never see faces, just bodies, and certain details, and I assumed a couple things. First, from the details I was shown, I assumed this woman was Polynesian, and so I thought our daughter must have some island heritage. The second thing I assumed was that whoever this grandmother was, she must have already passed away and was working from beyond the veil to get our daughter to us. I had this experience of "feeling" the grandmother on a few occasions, but as the years went on, and multiple situations came and went, this experience was put into the back of my mind- or at least I began to write it off as something I made up by myself.

We waded through more and more situations. I cried more tears of frustration as I wanted to quit and God kept stringing me along. Finally in 2019 I was DONE. I was ready to move on with life. I made plans to go back to school and get my masters degree, and I felt so good about finally letting go of the idea of this little girl. I began school in January of 2019 and one month into things, Brynn arrived! She was born February 2nd, we were contacted about her on February 4th, and we brought her home on February 17th. After years and years, Brynn fell into our laps without warning- just as I asked for it to happen so long ago. It felt like a miracle. I quit school and relished being her mommy.

But of course, adoption isn't free- unless you work through the Foster Care system, which we weren't doing. Because Brynn came after we had given up on the idea of adoption and because of some extenuating circumstances surrounding her birth, we did everything backwards. We brought her home before we had a valid home study or any legal paperwork in place. We took temporary custody of her, then through the courts we obtained legal guardianship, and after almost a year, we were able to adopt her. Our attorney was wonderful and fairly priced, but adoption is always a good chunk of change and we had some extra hoops to jump through. Just like we weren't prepared to adopt in other aspects, we weren't prepared financially either. However, each time a bill came from the attorney, the money miraculously became available to pay those bills. Once, around the end of October, we had a rather large bill due. I was contacted by the Church and asked if our family was available to come to Salt Lake for a photo shoot within the next couple of days. We took the job, and it paid us enough to cover the attorney's fees. We felt the Lord providing for us. In fact, at the end of the adoption we were given a statement of the total money we had spent and Troy and I looked at it in amazement because we had no idea where all that money even came from. We already felt so blessed- but it wasn't over.

Through my work, I had met and become acquainted with a woman named Janet, who was a loyal customer. Over the years, she had come in to the store every few months and shopped while the two of us chatted. She is also an adoptive mother and works for a foundations that provides adoption grants to deserving families. She happened to come in to the store during the week between Brynn's birth and the time we brought her home, and I told Janet what was happening with a potential adoption situation. She encouraged me to apply for a grant from her foundation, but before we could apply, we needed a valid home study and a few other things. We didn't get the home study done until November of 2019, and were getting ready to finalize Brynn's adoption in December. This foundation usually helps families adopting internationally through an international adoption agency, and I wasn't sure they would even consider us for a grant since we were doing a private, domestic adoption, When our home study was finally done, I texted Janet and asked if I should still apply for the grant. She said YES, and gave me the information of who to contact. I filled out all the paperwork and sent it in, believing that it would be months before we heard back.

The day after Thanksgiving, Janet called me and asked if Troy and I could be at a fundraising dinner for her foundation the next night. She said they wanted to highlight a few families who were hoping to adopt in order to encourage people to donate. I was scheduled to work that night, and the Christmas season was just beginning to get crazy, but through some kind co-workers who found out and encouraged me to go, Troy and I found ourselves dressed up and on our way to Salt Lake City for the dinner. We didn't know what to expect, and the usually uneventful drive to Salt Lake was actually crazy. A tanker had overturned on I-15 earlier in the day and an entire section of freeway had been shut down. So we took lots of back roads to get from our home in Orem to the place in Salt Lake where the dinner was being held. We finally made it only to discover that the dinner venue was in a fancy bar, which required ID to enter. I hadn't brought my ID. Troy had his, but the bouncer would not let me in. I swore up and down that I was forty years old and that I wasn't there to drink anything, but it wasn't good enough for the bouncer. Once more I insisted that I didn't drink alcohol and had been invited to attend by the foundation who neglected to tell me that it was at a bar. The bouncer finally said, "How can you prove to me that you don't drink?" I asked, "Can my husband show you his temple recommend?" and to my surprise, he agreed! Troy showed his recommend, and the bouncer let us in with an annoyed, stern, strict command that I could not drink ANYTHING! I found it hysterical that a temple recommend got us admitted into a bar!

Once we were inside, we found a dinner concert taking place, and after about fifteen minutes, the man who started the foundation called Troy and I, and another couple up on to the stage. He introduced us as hopeful adoptive parents and encouraged the attendants to donate to his foundation to help families like ours adopt. Then he announced that the foundation was actually awarding us a grant- that they were going to reimburse us for anything we had spent on Brynn's adoption and pay any remaining fees. What the WHAT?! I cried and cried, and couldn't stop crying for about a week. Once again, the Lord provided us with a miracle- our adoption was FREE, just as I had asked the Lord in the beginning.

And one more thing: as I pondered on our experience I was reminded about the idea of the olive-skinned, dark haired grandmother who was going to bring us our baby, I suddenly realized that Brynn's olive skinned, dark-haired Grandma Teresa was the one who brought this baby to us! Because Brynn's birthmom wasn't healthy enough to make some decisions, Brynn's grandma was the one who handled the adoption proceedings. She chose our family out of of lots of other people who wanted to adopt a baby, and placed her little body in our arms to take home and raise. The Lord had done everything I had seen in my mind- he sent us a little girl with dark, curly hair. Her grandma brought her to us. She fell into our laps and she ended up being free. It's all so miraculous isn't it?

Just as I do with Anson, I look at my beautiful baby girl in awe every single day. She is real- in the flesh. That all really happened. God is involved in all the details, and though sometimes His timetable is totally different from mine, His is always better. I am so thankful to Him for the miracles that have come to me over the past ten years as we have tried to follow His plan for our family. He lined it all up perfectly.

Coronavirus Week 7,654

It's been a month since I wrote last. April went by so quickly. Some things have changed, and a lot has stayed the same. We are still stuck at home for the most part. Cases of COVID-19 are still rising. Yesterday 2,900 people in the United States died from it- our highest daily death toll yet. Today there were 200 newly diagnosed cases in the State of Utah and we had our 50th death. Our numbers are still small in comparison to the population of our state. I've known a handful of people who have been diagnosed with it, but no one I've been in contact with personally. They've all felt awful, but have not been hospitalized, and are on their way to recovery.

Over the past month the school year has been cancelled and we are finishing the year at home. Addy missed Prom. Seniors are missing graduation ceremonies. Everyone is missing their friends. We do school on the computer every day, but the kids are burning out. New instruction will be over by May 12th, so we only have nine more days of school. While I'm looking forward to that, I'm also dreading the boredom that will come with summer. A summer of no vacations, no swimming pools, and no friends. We all might lose our minds.

This past weekend, Governor Herbert changed our danger level from Red to Orange and they are starting to slowly open the economy back up. I haven't worked for almost two months, and I don't know when I'll be going back to work this year. Gyms, salons, and restaurant dining rooms are open again- all with social distancing guidelines in place. You have to wear a mask to go out in public and still stay 6 feet away from other people. People are allowed to meet in groups of twenty or less, but still have to be 6 feet apart. Our number of cases continues to rise, and our elected officials are trying to find a way to balance safety with the need for people to work and make money. It will be interesting to see how things go in the next few weeks as people start to venture out of their homes.

We still haven't gone back to church, and I don't know when we will. Probably not until the Fall. We do church at home every Sunday, with the Sacrament twice a month. We all rotate teaching a lesson out of the Come Follow Me manual each week. Troy stays busy trying to take care of the ward members who are in need of financial support while they are out of work.

We had General Conference at the beginning of April. It was different, but still just as wonderful. The messages were timely and comforting. President Nelson called for a special World Wide Fast to be held on April 10th, which my family participated in. Many people from different faiths participated as well. It was a beautiful thing to be part of and though the world was not healed overnight, I'm sure some beautiful things will come from it eventually. The last session of General Conference was also a Solemn Assembly where we all stood and gave the Hosanna Shout, calling upon God to hear us and save us. It was followed by singing The Spirit of God. That was an experience that brought a strong sense of the Spirit into our home, and tears to our eyes. How thankful I am for a living prophet! This world is changing drastically and has become somewhat unfamiliar over the course of the past couple of months, but I know that as long as I hold tight to the Gospel, all will be well.

Overall, we are tired. We are cranky. The kids have strengthened their relationships with each other, but are also needing space from being trapped inside these walls. One of the most difficult part of this whole situation is the not knowing. We don't know when it will be "over." We don't know when normal life will resume, and when it does, we don't know what it will actually look like. With other hard things, I usually have a frame of reference- a way I've handled similar trials. But this is nothing I have ever experienced or even anticipated experiencing, so I have nothing to compare it to. I find myself reaching through my mind for something to anchor my thoughts to, and I can't find anything. It's just bizarre. I have no words of comfort for my children other that I continue to promise them that someday this will end. But I don't know when that will be. Nobody does. It's all a guessing game and that's the part that is starting to drive people a little mad.

Even things that should feel hopeful feel odd. Kamryn is waiting for her mission call to arrive, but we don't know what's going to happen there. Missions are still being assigned, but plans are constantly changing. Missionaries who were preparing to go out this month are no longer going. They spent three weeks doing MTC training from home, only to be told they could either cancel their service, or postpone it. Many are choosing to cancel since no one knows how long that postponement will go on. It's such an uncertain time. So while we are excited for Kamryn's call, we don't know if she'll even be able to go.  She started her second semester of college last week, and is doing five classes online. The library at BYU is still open, so she goes down to campus every day while she sits through her classes. Then she stays and does homework. She's applied for jobs, but nothing has come up so far. She's the most miserable of all of us and it's breaking my heart. This is the time of life she's always dreamed of- a time to spread her wings and be independent. Instead, she's stuck at home, doing school online; not dating, sharing a room with her seven year old brother. She's not happy.

I am so tired. Our sleep schedules are wacky. We stay up late and sleep in. We still gather for family prayer and scripture study each day, and Troy and I go on runs. We also take multiple walks everyday. I know lots of people have gained weight during this time of staying at home, but I've been working on getting back in to shape. I have time, I have babysitters at home who can watch the two youngest kids while I work out, so I might as well. I've been thankful for that chance at least.

Anyway, that's the update. Life is so weird.

Coronavirus Week 3

We just finished our third week of “social distancing” and our third week of home schooling the kids. This week was hard. Everybody had a break down at some point. I think Kamryn and Anson had the roughest weeks. Anson is tired of being inside and is missing his friends. He is such a social guy and really wants to be outside running around. He cried a lot this week over little things. Kamryn had been planning to go back up to Idaho, but as the week has gone on, she realized that her chances of getting a job in Rexburg were slim to none, and she really needs a job. So she probably isn’t going after all, which has broken her heart. This isn’t how she pictured life right now.

I celebrated my 41st birthday this week as well, and it ended up being a fun day! Troy and I got take-out from Costa Vida and ate lunch at a park. I had lots of people wish me Happy Birthday and drop treats off at the house. My sweet Grandpa Newman even came over and waved at me from the sidewalk while I stood on my porch. He brought me a card and treats, and it warmed my heart so much. He’s 96 and it’s not safe for him to be out and about, but I guess he INSISTED that my Aunt Jeanne bring him over. I felt relaxed and loved and couldn’t have asked for more.

But, I had a rough week despite my good birthday. I seem to have an anxiety attack every morning while I’m getting Landon and Anson going on their schooling. I spend most of the morning fighting tears and trying to breathe deeply. I usually end up in my bedroom crying and praying for a few minutes, asking Heavenly Father to help me calm down and do what I need to do to help my family get through this. I’m not having anxiety about anything specific, just anxiety in general.

Going out of the house also makes me emotional. When I’m home, things feel normal-ish, but being out in public is strange. Grocery shelves are sparse to bare, people are wearing masks and gloves, and we are all asked to stay 6 feet away from other people. Checkers at the grocery stores have clear plastic barriers between them and us, and nobody will touch anybody or anything. Workers are constantly sterilizing everything, and it just feels so impersonal. I feel anxious and on the verge of tears most of the time.

The temples are all closed now and people who were planning temple marriages are being married civilly until the temples open back up and they can be sealed. Today I “attended” my friend’s wedding on the computer. Since groups of more than ten people are banned from gathering, she and her new husband were married by her bishop and the rest of us watched over video. It was surreal and while I was happy for them, I felt sad when the bishop said that temple sealings were currently on hold. We are living in strange times.

I will be surprised if the kids end up going back to school this year, and the thought of this continuing into summer scares me. How long will this go on?

Tomorrow is General Conference and I am hoping it brings the peace we all so desperately need. But even Conference is going to be different. It will be broadcast from a room and only the First Presidency and the session speakers will be in attendance. The Tabernacle Choir won’t be there, all the music will be prerecorded.

Overall, we are still healthy. I don’t know anyone personally who has been diagnosed with the virus. The government and the media keep telling us that it’s only going to get worse, but so far, I haven’t seen it here in Utah. New York is a mess though, they are overrun by the virus and people are dying from it every day. They brought in Navy hospital boats to help treat people and they have makeshift morgues outside of the hospitals. It is awful there. But here, in Orem, Utah things are still calm. I pray it stays that way.

I just can’t help but wonder if things will ever get back to normal? I believe they will, but I have this fear that for some reason they won’t and we will be stuck living this alternate reality forever. How suddenly our world has shifted...

Coronavirus Quarantine Journal

We just finished our second full week of staying home pretty much all day, every day- due to the COVID-19 pandemic that is sweeping the globe. There are currently 602 cases in Utah and 113,000 in the United States as of today. I still do not know anyone personally who has been diagnosed.

Our days at home feel a lot like the movie Groundhog Day. We wake up at around 8:30 AM, which is a compromise. The kids wanted to be able to sleep in, but I didn't want them sleeping until noon everyday, so we agreed on 8:30. We get up and have family scripture study and prayers, then we discuss anything that needs to happen that day (let's be honest, right now it's not much.) The schools are giving out free breakfast and lunch to anybody who wants it, and while we aren't hurting for food, Anson loves being able to get in the car and go somewhere. So he and I usually drive over to the elementary school where we pull up to the curb and the lunch ladies all say, "Hello Anson!" as they hand us a bag of food. It's something he looks forward to everyday, so I humor him and we go. The bags contain both a breakfast and a lunch. The breakfasts are either a single serving of cold cereal or some microwaveable pancakes, yogurt, fruit, milk, and a juice box. Lunches are either a ham and cheese sandwich or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, along with some kind of chips, and a vegetable. I've learned that when given a choice between white milk, chocolate milk, or strawberry milk, Anson prefers strawberry. I wouldn't have known about his love of strawberry flavored milk if not for COVID-19, so that's a fun fact.
After we get home from picking up food, we all get started on our school work. Anson and Landon log on to their class websites and see what assignments their teachers have for them that day. It's usually reading, math, science, art, and/social studies of some sort. Both boys are supposed to read for twenty to thirty minutes a day, but it's been hard for them to stay focused, so I've been reading to them. I'm loving it! As a kid, my mom used to read books to my brothers and I, but I've never been able to get my kids to want to do that with me, but now we have an assignment to do it and I look forward to it every day. Last week we read Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and after finishing it, we started on the first book of the Fablehaven series.
My older kids are keeping up with their classes in the same way- logging on to the computer and submitting assignments that way. They have weekly seminary classes through video conferencing as well.
We try to get out of the house at least once a day and get some exercise. We can't go to playgrounds, but we can go to parks where there is a lot of open space and we stay away from other people. It's been fun to watch my kids build relationships with each other again. I love hearing them talk to each other and laugh with each other. I really hope they are able to come out of this with stronger bonds.
We have watched a lot of movies, talked through video chat with our extended families, done lots of dancing, and played games. I make dinner every night around 5:30, and by the end of the night I am usually exhausted. I look forward to going to bed, but it's strange knowing we will be doing the exact same things again the next day. I look forward to Saturdays and Sundays in a way I never have before. It's a break from the monotony of the other five days of the week, but it's also a break from schoolwork etc. 
Last week, the State of Utah announced that public schools would be out until at least May 1st, and the store that I work at (Eddie Bauer) is closed until at least April 27th. Troy is continuing to work from home and BYU has announced that Spring and Summer semesters will be held online only. Kamryn has decided to go back up to BYU-I on April 17th and live in her apartment with her two roommates. She will be doing school online and not going on to campus. It will be strange, but she's itching to get out of the house and back to being independent. I have mixed feelings about letting her go, but she gets to make her own decisions at this point. She has her final mission interview next Tuesday and then her mission papers will be submitted to Salt Lake. At that point, we will be awaiting her call.
It's a crazy time to be putting in mission papers. The church is literally bringing most missionaries home right now. It's been so sad to see missions cut short for many missionaries. Some are hoping to be reassigned, but others are being released early if there are health concerns or if they were nearing the end of their service. So, I don't know what Kamryn's call will look like or when she will be able to leave. Her availability won't be until September and we are hoping that by then all this craziness will be over and she will be able to go anywhere in the world. But we have faith that the Lord will put her where she needs to be.
As far as leaving the house goes, we try to stay in as much as possible. We usually only leave to go to the grocery store. The shelves are bare on lots of items. Last week I planned out two weeks worth of dinners and between three grocery stores, I was able to find every item on my list. It felt slightly miraculous. It's an interesting feeling to get excited when I find a can of soup or a loaf of bread I've been looking for. Like, I literally cheer out loud. But we have plenty of food in our home, no one is ever hungry. Troy's mom has made dinner for us a couple of times. I think she's bored because she hasn't left her house. She calls us when it's ready and leaves it out on the porch for us to come pick it up. She and Gordon are being really strict about social distancing, which is good.
Tomorrow is Fast Sunday and my big boys will head out for a bit to administer the Sacrament to people who don't have a priesthood holder in their home to do it. We will then have the Sacrament here at home and study Come Follow Me with the kids. President Nelson has called for a special world-wide fast to ask for help and healing. We will be participating in that. It's going to be hard to fast since we are home all day and since the kids are bored, they are eating a lot. I hope that having a specific purpose will help them stay focused.
In all honesty, this time feels very sacred to me. It feels as if the Lord is asking us to refocus on the things that are most important- Family and the Gospel. The scriptures feel as if they are speaking directly to me, for this specific time, in a way that they haven't before. Though it's hard to be stuck inside, I will be kind of sad when this is all over and we head back into the world. But, I still have weeks ahead of me. Ask me how I'm feeling about things next week. Ha ha.

Coronavirus (COVID-19)

A couple of months ago, we started hearing reports of a deadly respiratory virus that was sweeping the country of China. It was highly contagious and China was in a state of emergency as people were sick, dying, and overflowing hospitals. We watched and felt sorry for the Chinese people, but honestly, it didn't occur to me that this virus would spread to our country- or if it did, it would be a few cases on somewhere, and that would be it. I was naive. I'm not denying that at all.

Things stared to get a little crazy when passengers on cruise ships were quarantined (on the ship) for weeks at a time when people started to get sick. Then, two weeks ago things in the United States started to get real. The virus had jumped across the ocean and people here were beginning to become infected.

Within a matter of days, most things had shut down. Universities cancelled on campus classes, instructed students to return home, and moved to online learning. Then all professional and college sports were cancelled. Then public schools were shut down and our children's teachers created ways for online learning from home. Many retail stores closed their doors. Restaurants shut their dining rooms and moved to takeout only. Church has been cancelled world-wide, and we are doing church from home with the new Come Follow Me manual. The temples are operating on a very limited basis for living ordinances by appointment only. And only immediate family can attend.We are being told to STAY HOME. No outside contact with friends or family, and only go out for essential things like groceries. Our entire country is now on hold for a while. Initially they said it would be for two weeks, but that remains to be seen.

Lately, I have felt the need to document our family's experience during this pandemic, if only for posterity's sake. Today is Sunday, and we don't have work, or school to do, so I thought I would take the chance at a quieter afternoon to document a few things.

I have explained the big picture, but now I'll talk more specifically about the impact on my family. It's been a while since I have blogged about Us, so here's a recap of where we are in March of 2020. Troy is working for the Study Abroad department at BYU. He's a financial controller in charge of all the student accounts for the study abroad programs. I work about 12 hours a week as a retail manager for Eddie Bauer. Kamryn is 18 and is a student at BYU-Idaho. BYU-I assigns students the semesters they can attend and she was assigned to Fall & Spring/Summer semesters. She lived in Idaho for Fall semester and moved home in December for Winter semester. She has been working as a nanny and also at Eddie Bauer with me to save money for next semester and a mission. Addy is 16 and a sophomore at Timpanogos High School. Brevyn is 14 and is a freshman at Orem Junior High and is currently working at a retirement home called The Seville. Landon is 12 and in 6th grade and Anson is 7 and in 1st grade. They both go to Orem Elementary. Little Brynn is 13.5 months old and is happy and adorable- walking all over and learning to talk.

Okay, so... Universities moved to online classes. Troy works for a university and he works for the department that sends students all over the world. BYU cancelled all of their Spring study abroad experiences, which students were getting ready to head out on starting in April. They also instructed employees to work from home as much as possible. So, Troy has been working from home and has been VERY busy trying to get students, faculty, and departments refunded. He is also the Bishop of our ward. So he has also been busy making sure the members of our congregation are taken care of both spiritually and physically. We have a very elderly ward, and COVID-19 seems to be most dangerous for people who are older, so it has been a concern for most of our members. Luckily, we have put our Ministering program into full force and members are checking in with the families they are assigned to. What a blessing the organization of the Church is during times like this.

For the first few days after everything shut down, Eddie Bauer and the University Place Mall where the store is located were running business as usual. But things quickly changed. First they went to limited hours of operation. They were working from 12-6. But it soon became apparent that this wasn't a good idea either. We closed the fitting rooms and discouraged customers from trying on any clothing. The virus can live on clothing for 72 hours. If a customer did slip something on, we had to take it into the back room and hold it for 72 hours to let the germs die. We also had to disinfect everything anytime we had a transaction at the register. Within one day of limiting our hours, the company decided to shut its doors until April. I'm not sure what the rest of the Mall looks like, but I'm assuming most stores did the same. So both Kamryn and I have been home without work. However, the company was very generous and is still paying us for the two weeks we are not working.

Kamryn hasn't been able to work at Eddie Bauer or nanny. She got her wisdom teeth out last Thursday and has done great. Low pain, minimal swelling, it hasn't been bad for her at all. She also finished filling out her mission papers and is now waiting for her last two interviews with the bishop (dad) and the Stake President before she can submit them. It's an uncertain time to go though, since the Church has been bringing missionaries home from all over the world due to the virus. The MTC has shut down and missionaries who are preparing to go are doing mission training online from home, and then they head directly out to their missions. So, we don't know exactly what will happen for her once her papers are in. BYU-I announced that Spring/Summer Semester will now be online only as well, so Kamryn is trying to decide whether or not to go back to Idaho and live in her empty apartment and do school online, or to stay home. I think she is leaning towards going back. She loves living independently and prefers being on her own.

While everything was shutting down, Addy was in Disneyland with Troy's brother Rex and his family. So she came home to a different world than when she left. Their trip got cut short as Disneyland also closed down while they were there. She isn't currently working, so other than being super bored because she can't hang out with her friends, she is just doing school online and taking naps. She can video chat with her friends, and is looking forward to actual hangouts again. She was asked to Prom about a month ago, and we are still waiting to hear if Prom will be cancelled or not. It's scheduled for mid-April.

Brevyn is still working at the retirement home, though the dining room is closed and they have to deliver the resident's meals directly to their apartments. They obviously sterilize everything and have strict rules in place so germs don't spread. He is also very bored without his friends, but can play video games online, and is doing school online as well.

Landon and Anson have online school work too, and as long as I can get them outside to run around a couple of times a day, they seem to be doing okay. I mean, everybody is bored. That hardly needs to be said. We've played games as a family, watched movies, and we try to go outside and do a family activity at a park where other people aren't around.

Troy and I have started running together again. Ever since Brynn was born last year, I've had a hard time staying motivated to run. But since I'm stuck at home, it's good for me to get out and get an hour of freedom while I exercise. I'm thankful for that. Brynn is happy to have lots of people home to play with her and she really does add life and laughter to our home right now.

We have now done two weeks of church at home. Last week we were authorized to do the Sacrament at home too. Brevyn and Landon were able to go out with a youth leader and administer the Sacrament to members of the ward who did not have a Priesthood holder in the home to do it. Watching them get dressed up and head out made me cry. I was so proud of those two good boys, and so proud of their dad who spent the past couple of day mobilizing the ward and getting plans in place so that it could happen. After they returned home, we had our family Sacrament Meeting. Troy blessed the Sacrament and Brevyn and Landon took turns passing the bread and the water to us. It was very tender and the Spirit was present. It made me reflect on the story of the Children of Israel and the plagues that came to Egypt. The Lord instructed them to put lamb's blood on the posts of their doors and the plagues would pass them by. The lamb's blood obviously symbolized the Blood of the Lamb, or the blood of our Savior, just as the Sacrament symbolizes the blood of our Savior. As we partook of the Sacrament in our home, I couldn't help but to feel as if we were symbolically putting lamb's blood on the posts of our home, protecting us from the craziness of the current world.

Even though my kids are bored, and there has been fighting and crying, and though we have had moments of uneasiness- and we might possibly run out of toilet paper (because Americans are bizarre and when they got scared of the corona virus they bought every roll of toilet paper available, leaving none for regular people who simply need it for everyday use) I have felt like this time at home has been very sacred. It's a time to gather my children around me, to spend more time as a family, to strengthen our relationships and our testimonies. It has shown me that President Nelson is truly inspired. He put things into place a year in advance so that we were ready and able to minister to our neighbors and to teach our families at home while church was cancelled.

General Conference is in two weeks and it's going to be very different. It won't be broadcast from the Conference Center. It won't have the Tabernacle Choir. It will be a small room consisting of the First Presidency and those who have been asked to speak at that session. But I have no doubt it will be spiritual and wonderful. I'm looking forward to it.

As of right now, we are healthy. Our grandparents and siblings are healthy. We are home and we are well.

Don't Get Caught on the Porch

Two weeks ago I stayed home from church with a sick baby. In trying to get some kind of spiritual Sunday nourishment, I turned on old General Conference talks. Eventually the baby and I fell asleep on my bed. I drifted in and out of sleep as my brain caught upon certain parts of talks, and at one point I remember thinking fondly, "That's President Monson's voice. I'm glad I still recognize it- even in my sleep." But when I awoke, I had some very strong impressions at the forefront of my mind, and ever since then, this blog post has been rolling around in my brain.

The first thing that came to mind was a powerful quote from President Russell M. Nelson in the April 2019 General Conference,

“I plead with you who have distanced yourselves from the Church and with you who have not yet really sought to know that the Savior’s Church has been restored. Do the spiritual work to find out for yourselves, and please do it now. Time is running out.” —President Russell M. Nelson

I couldn't get it out of my mind...  "Please do it now. Time is running out."

The second thought that followed right behind the first was actually a memory of a dream I had when I was around thirteen years old. For context, in the year or so leading up to this dream, my father had fought a battle with colon cancer and had passed away. During that time, our family had many sacred moments and discussions about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and our home was filled with an extra measure of the Spirit. So my young mind was focused on spiritual matters. 

In this dream, my family was told that the Savior was going to visit our home. We didn't know the exact time of his arrival, only that it would be sometime that day. We were humbled and excited, and I set out to get myself "ready" by showering, getting dressed, and putting on my make up. Of course we also had to clean the house and do all of the things you would normally do to prepare for a special guest. However, word had spread that the Savior was coming to the Whitaker's house, and lots of people started showing up to wait on our big front porch. These people ranged from strangers, to neighbors- and even celebrities. I found myself constantly distracted by the people on the porch. In the middle of my preparations, I would inevitably and repeatedly abandon my task and find myself outside, talking with friends and staring at the celebrities, only to suddenly remember what  I was supposed to be doing. I would rush back into the house in a panic, worried that I wasn't going to be ready when He arrived. This happened over and over throughout the dream and I was getting frustrated with myself for being so easily distracted. That was the crux of the dream, and even as a thirteen year old, I recognized the obvious symbolism it held.  

So two weeks ago, when I awoke from my Sunday nap with President Nelson's words in my ears, and that dream from the past in my mind, I couldn't help but to ponder on it. Back in 1992, there were lots of worldly distractions, but HERE in 2020 it's never ending. We carry tiny computers in 0ur pockets and have access to 24 hour news, loud voices, and constant opinions from all angles. We have social media, which allows us to keep up with one another in an unprecedented way, but also gives many of us complexes, insecurities, and the fear of missing out. We hardly even talk to people face to face anymore. We prefer texting, and when we are in the same room together, we are all staring at tiny screens instead of focusing on the people around us. I was frustrated to find myself, once again distracted from things of actual importance, by the metaphorical People on the Porch. 

Paired with the words of President Nelson that "Time is running out," I felt an increased urgency to get off the porch and to get back to preparing myself, my family, and my home. In his same April 2019 address, President Nelson also said,

“We hope and pray that each member’s home will become a true sanctuary of faith, where the Spirit of the Lord may dwell... Despite contention all around us, one’s home can become a heavenly place, where study, prayer, and faith can be merged with love. We can truly become disciples of the Lord, standing up and speaking up for Him wherever we are.”

Getting off the porch isn't going to be an immediate or easy thing to do. Just like in my dream, I'm sure to have moments where I am drawn back out by whatever the newest thing happening out there is. I'm much too social, and much too imperfect to believe that I can go inside, lock the front door, and never have the urge to even look out the window again. But, I'm recommitting to giving it my best effort. I don't want to be caught unprepared.

 

 

Finding Peace In Christ

This talk was originally given by Rachel Galbraith in a 2018 Sacrament Meeting.

My topic today is Finding Peace in Christ and as I pondered on this sweet topic, one that is very near to my heart, I thought back to times in my life when I have sought for and found the peace that only He can bring. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love my Savior. I credit my mother with helping to instill a testimony of Jesus Christ in my heart from an early age, and in those early years I was taught to pray and that He would hear my prayers and answer them.  And so I said my prayers dutifully and life was good and life was happy. And then, as life does, our family was thrown a major curveball. My father was diagnosed with end-stage colon cancer and suddenly my prayers changed.

I was twelve and had two younger brothers at home. I have to say it again, my mother is amazing, and in those months where she cared for our dying father, she taught me and my brothers the heart of the Gospel; she taught us that even though this experience was HARD. SO HARD. We were going to be okay because of the Atonement of our Savior.

In his 2017 General Conference Talk, Bishop Christopher Waddell referred to the Savior’s ability to bring peace when he said,

 “He knows, in a way that no one else can understand, what it is that we need, individually, in order to move forward in the midst of change. Unlike friends and loved ones, the Savior not only sympathizes with us, but He can empathize perfectly because He has been where we are. In addition to paying the price and suffering for our sins, Jesus Christ also walked every path, dealt with every challenge, faced every hurt—physical, emotional, or spiritual—that we will ever encounter in mortality.

President Boyd K. Packer taught: “The mercy and grace of Jesus Christ are not limited to those who commit sins … , but they encompass the promise of everlasting peace to all who will accept and follow Him. … His mercy is the mighty healer, even to the wounded innocent.”

Brothers and Sisters, I testify that what my mother taught her children in those quiet, unsure evenings, and what Bishop Waddell taught with confidence from the pulpit of the Conference Center is TRUE. We can find peace in our Savior Jesus Christ, no matter the storm. Though my father died seven months after he was diagnosed, my family was okay. We clung to each other, we clung to our Savior, and we survived; we found happiness and peace once more.

Hanging in my living room is a large, beautiful painting by artist Arnold Frieburg. The painting is entitled, Peace, Be Still. The painting depicts the Savior on a boat with his apostles while a storm rages around them. In the center of the painting is the Savior calming the waves. President Howard W. Hunter described the scene in an October 1984 Conference Talk:

On one journey to Galilee, the Savior taught the multitudes crowded near the water’s edge. With the people pressing ever closer, Jesus sought a better teaching circumstance by stepping into a boat and pushing out a few yards into the sea. There, a short distance from the eager crowd, he could be seen and heard by those straining for sight and words of the Master.

Following his discourse, the Savior invited his disciples to join him, and they set out together for the other side of the lake. The Sea of Galilee is quite low, about 680 feet below sea level, and the heat becomes quite great. The hills surrounding the water rise up very sharply and to considerable height. The cold air rushing down from the hills meets the warm air rising from the lake in such a way that sudden and temporarily violent storms can occur on the surface of that inland sea. It was just such a storm as this that Jesus and his disciples found as they crossed the lake at evening time. This is the way Mark described it:

“And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.

“And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

“And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

“And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

“And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

“And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” (Mark 4:36–41.)

All of us have seen some sudden storms in our lives. A few of them, though temporary like these on the Sea of Galilee, can be violent and frightening and potentially destructive. As individuals, as families, as communities, as nations, even as a church, we have had sudden squalls arise which have made us ask one way or another, “Master, carest thou not that we perish?” And one way or another we always hear in the stillness after the storm, “Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?”

One morning, in May of 2012, I found myself sitting on my living room couch, looking up at that painting and crying tears of exhaustion, frustration, and loneliness. You see, I KNEW that we were supposed to adopt a baby. I KNEW exactly WHO that little boy was and I that I needed to find him. But, the Adversary was making things difficult! On top of all the paperwork, and the financial strain, I felt a heavy weight that came from the questions of others. We already had four children and most people didn’t understand why we would pursue adoption for a fifth. Though I had explained the promptings, the dreams, and other miraculous things that had led us to adoption, people just thought I’d lost my mind, and some were being outspoken and unkind about it. I had never felt such despair. I began to question everything- maybe I was totally nuts and the hurtful words that had been said to me and about me were true. I couldn’t bear it. And so I cried, and looked at that painting, and prayed- asking my Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. In that moment, a peace came. I felt a calm reassurance that I was on the right path and that My Savior would help me carry this burden. Just as in the painting, My Savior had raised His hand and calmed My storm. And on November 2, 2012 our precious Anson, the little boy I had seen in my dreams, was born and placed by a courageous woman, into our family. I looked back on all that had transpired in the years before his birth and thought, “Why was I so fearful? Where was my faith?”

How can we acquire the faith needed to turn to the Savior and find that much needed peace? In another Conference talk by Bishop Waddell, entitled A Pattern for Peace, Bishop Waddell gives us three steps to take- Learn, Listen, and Walk.

Step 1: Learn. Bishop Waddell encourages us to attend the temple where we can learn of the Savior and feel of his love. He said,

 “Each time we attend the temple—in all that we hear, do, and say; in every ordinance in which we participate; and in every covenant that we make—we are pointed to Jesus Christ. We feel peace as we hear His words and learn from His example. President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “Go to the house of the Lord and there feel of His Spirit and commune with Him and you will know a peace that you will find nowhere else.”

Step 2: Listen. To continue quoting Bishop Waddell:

“In the Doctrine and Covenants we read, “Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.”9 From the days of Adam and down through the ages to our current prophet, Thomas Spencer Monson, the Lord has spoken through His authorized representatives. Those who choose to listen and give heed to the words of the Lord, as delivered through His prophets, will find safety and peace.”

“The adversary offers counterfeit solutions that may appear to provide answers but take us even further from the peace we seek. He offers a mirage that has the appearance of legitimacy and safety but ultimately, like the great and spacious building, will collapse, destroying all who seek peace within its walls. Truth is found in the simplicity of a Primary song: “Words of a prophet: Keep the commandments. In this there is safety and peace.”

And Step 3: Walk. Bishop Waddell said:

“However far we may wander from the path, the Savior invites us to return and walk with Him. This invitation to walk with Jesus Christ is an invitation to accompany Him to Gethsemane and from Gethsemane to Calvary and from Calvary to the Garden Tomb. It is an invitation to observe and apply His great atoning sacrifice, whose reach is as individual as it is infinite. It is an invitation to repent, to draw upon His cleansing power, and to grasp His loving, outstretched arms. It is an invitation to be at peace.”

I am currently serving as the Primary Chorister- a calling in which I LOVE, by the way. And last year the Primary children learned a new song called Gethsemane. My heart was touched at how deeply your children loved this song. Even those children who rarely opened their mouths to sing would sing Gethsemane. I’d like to share some of those words with you:

Jesus climbed the hill to the garden still.

His steps were heavy and slow.

Love and a prayer took Him there

To the place only He could go.

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me, So He went willingly to Gethsemane.

He felt all that was sad, wicked, or bad,

All the pain we would ever know.

While His friends were asleep, He fought to keep

His promise made long ago.

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me,

So He went willingly to Gethsemane.

The hardest thing that ever was done,

The greatest pain that ever was known,

The biggest battle that ever was won—

This was done by Jesus

The fight was won by Jesus!

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me,

So He gave His gift to me in Gethsemane.

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me,

So He gives His gift to me from Gethsemane.

 Many times I could hardly sing along with them because of the tears that were streaming down my face. The Atonement provides us with so many amazing blessings- Victory over sin! Victory over death! And, a Savior who knows how to succor us and fill our hearts with peace in a way no one else can, because he knows exactly what we are feeling. He understands the complexities of our human hearts and stands with us, providing safety.

My dear brothers and sisters, I pray that as the storms of life swell up around you, that you will find the faith to turn to your Savior. If we will strive to follow these three steps when the seas are calm, we will know where to turn when the waves suddenly arise. I have experienced the peace the Savior brings and know that He is waiting and willing to bless your life with His peace as well.